mujer_cita_MIA, 2013

As promised mujer_cita_MIA premieres online.

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The Woman’s Dicktionary of Male Dating Terms

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On Twitter i recently started the hashtag #Dicktionary in an attempt to contextualize & deconstruct the misogyny that het/bi/pan women experience regularly in our intimate personal lives while dating men. This took off unexpectedly as dozens of women began to respond on the subject. Several asked for a full unabridged version of the Dicktionary, which i have been tweeting one phrase at a time. So in response to that, and in a prophylactic attempt to help us decipher the usual “lie-to-her” language codes, and protect our feminine self-esteem from the shredding that inevitably happens when we insist on navigating the treacherous journey of sharing our sexual love with people who are programmed to oppress us, here is the new, unabridged Women’s Dicktionary of Male Dating Terms!

Below is a list of phrases commonly used by men while dating women & their translations:

“baby i wanna make love to you all night” translation: “it’s gonna be 20 minutes & we’ll pretend it was hours”

“baby i know i fucked up, I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.”  translation: “i don’t have anywhere else to wet my dick tonight”

“I can’t stop thinking about you”  this phrase is generally used BEFORE he hits it & translates to: “i can’t wait to own you so i can keep you waiting”

“I’d like to take you out sometime,”  translation: “don’t hold your breath”

“I have this unique fantasy…”  translation: “I think i’m the only man on earth kinky enough to want to bang 2 bitches at once”

“I’m not like other men,”  translation: “my ego is way bigger than my dick. DON’T mess with it! Seriously.”

“I’ll call you”  translation: “I have a few on my list that i want to hit first but i may want to wet my dick here at least once / again, so i’ll keep your phone number”

“I’ll call you soon/later/tonight/tomorrow/after work, etc.” translation: “sit & wait for that”

“I lost my phone/broke/sick/accident/spent a night in jail or… /fill in the blank with any other excuse/” translation: “i was busy banging my new/ex gf for a few days” in some cases it may mean “i was busy abusing my substance of choice and/or banging a new/ex gf for a few days”

“I love you,” this is a phrase used only in desperation when there is no other way to get the pussy & basically means: “I’ll say whatever it takes to hit that pussy right now”

“I’ve never met a woman like you before”   translation: “What? You mean you have hair down there???”

“It’s not that I don’t love you, but i  just can’t leave her yet,”  translation: “she’s paying the rent & that’s her car I’m driving”

“It’s not that I don’t love you, but i  just can’t leave her yet,”  can also mean: “you won’t put up with the shit she’s putting up with”

“I had to leave town unexpectedly & my phone died, then it fell out of the airplane & landed in a pot of wonton soup, then my dog ate it and my grandmother dies, and basically, this all happened in China” translation: classic cuento chino

“Let’s hang out,”  translation: “let’s fuck”

“Let’s hang out,” can also mean in some cases “let’s do our drug of choice & fuck” or in the worst case scenario: “let’s watch the game while we fuck”

“Not All Men Are Like That” or “NAMALT” for short.  translation: “i don’t want to listen to anything that will make me question the way that I/my friends treat women”

“OMG, you’re so beautiful/gorgeous/pretty/briliant/amazing, etc”  also often heard as “OMG you have such beautiful eyes/lips/smile/teeth/hair/whatever”  normally this phrase is repeated throughout the date like a mantra.  translation: “I want to fuck you & i have no interest whatsoever in making the slightest effort to have an intelligent conversation.”

“She ain’t hot/sweet/fine/sexy/whatever like you are”  translation: “I’m tired of destroying her self-esteem, now I want to destroy yours”

“She’s not my wife,”  translation:  “it’s not on paper but we live together, she pays the bills & we have 3 kids, plus she’s pregnant so i want to fuck YOU instead”

“The women of my ethnic group are not as cool as you are,”  translation: “i feel totally entitled to judge, degrade & bash women of my own ethnicity, but will be on best-behavior for exotic foreigners”

“There’s nothing between me & her”  translation: “she cooks for me, i fuck her occasionally & send a text once in a while to keep her on standby”

“This dick is yours baby, come get it anytime,”  translation: “go ahead & call but i won’t answer & ofc you don’t know where i live”

“You my special girl”  translation: “you’re the one I’m lying to most often.  in fact: you might even be the one i want to have a baby with, so you can cook, serve & clean for me & i can control you at home”

“Wow! I’m really sorry men have treated you that way,”  translation: “I”m sorry you’re not opening your legs as quickly as i expected”